Ah yes, you know exactly what I am talking about.
It was a beautiful sunny day, birds were chirping, bunnies were hopping around happily and you have decided that THIS is the perfect time for cookies and tea.
Specifically those Walkers Pure Butter Shortbread you have been saving for this day because you’re on a diet, and treats like these are a bonus for a week’s hard testing of your self discipline!
So you make the tea.
Everything measured perfectly.
A tea that the pros would envy.
You walk over to the cookie jar, open it up to get the unopened packet of shortbreads, and the following scene scorches your eyes.
The plastic packaging, almost empty except for a 3/4 eaten cookie!
Not an empty cookie jar.
Not even an empty packet that once contained cookies.
No, a three quarters eaten cookie!
That, right there, that’s just a new level of mean.
Now, it does not matter what you had for breakfast, it does not matter what the weather is like and it certainly does not matter how much weight you’ve already lost.
At that very moment you reevaluate your life.
And your diet.
And a string of other things.
None of which has anything to do with cookies.
So what happens after this? Well, who knows. People react to this type of trauma in different ways.
Don’t worry, though, I have you covered. If you still have your cookies about you, read this article. You will know how to avoid possible traumatic cookie events!
Yes the cookie jar.
No, that is exactly where NOT to hide the cookies. I just had to add this one for in case you’ve missed it.
And in case you missed it, don’t hide your cookies in the cooky jar.
The most obvious reason is pretty obvious.
And the reason is because most of the time it says “Cookie jar” on the side.
That is universal language for “Hey you, come have a look, you’re most likely going to find cookies in here”.
So, no. Don’t do that.
In the fridge
You heard me. The fridge.
But not anywhere in the fridge. You have to hide the cookies under the vegetables in that bottom basket of the fridge.
The humans that are genetically inclined to rob you of your shortbread, are highly likely to be genetically inclined not to prepare, serve and eat vegetables.
So trust me when I say that there are very few people that will go rummaging through a pile of green beans, lettuce and tomatoes to try and find cookies.
Very important sidenote: it has to be stored in an airtight container.
Otherwise you will get cucumber and radish infused cookies that’s wet.
In the oven
Now you might wonder why you would hide the cookies in the oven since cookies are MADE in ovens.
Well, because of exactly that reason.
Who would think that the cookies are still there? And if they are still there, they are probably not yet ready to eat?
So nobody would go looking for cookies that are still dough and have not yet completed the evolutionary path towards cookie adulthood.
Just a word of caution, when you hide your cookies in the oven, you have to make absolutely sure that nobody can accidentally switch it on.
Besides for baked cookies that do not like being rebaked, you don’t want that plastic melting all over those delicious nuggets of happiness.
In the cereal box
This one requires some setting up over time. But when done right, no one will find your cookies.
First go on a diet. Not a real diet, although that may not be a bad idea either.
No, I am talking about going on a black ops diet.
So you PRETEND you are on a diet by telling everybody you went on a diet.
If you do end up being caught eating a triple cheese and BBQ bacon burger, just explain that it is part of the diet.
Depending on their grasp of biochemistry, say something like the burger buns have calorie-free carbohydrates and the bacon has non-amino acid proteins.
Then you go buy a box of the most cardboardlike highest fibre content beige colored cereals you can find.
Open the box, take out the cereal and donate it to charity.
Or the birds.
Or anything that looks unhealthy enough to eat it.
Now hide the cookies in that box.
It is highly unlikely that someone not on a diet will take a look in that box. Even people on a diet still have their limits and will give that box a pass.
The shoe polish tin box
When I grew up, we had a tin box in which we kept our shoe cleaning gear like polish and brushes.
That tin was stored under the kitchen sink.
Why under kitchen sink?
In fact, it’s pretty illogical.
Do the shoes then go in the pantry?
Whatever the case may be, that was the tin’s place.
Nowadays, though, we have smartphones that can do anything. Really powerful devices.
It can keep everybody at the dinner table quiet.
It promotes excellent hand-eye coordination, especially thumbs-eye coordination.
Or even just thumbs coordination.
You can even talk to it and command it to do things.
So, now that the Alexa, Siri and Cortana can clean shoes, nobody in a normal household would look in that shoe cleaning tin box again.
And that is exactly why you could hide your cookies there.
Make sure, though, that everybody in your home knows that there are shoe cleaning stuff in there.
Mention it every now and then that you need to buy new polish because yours is almost finished. Or that you love that new polish brush of yours, it really makes those brown leather shoes shine.
It will also help the story along if you actually have leather shoes.
And that they are brown.
And then, you stash those golden bars of goodness in the tin. Just make sure to store it in an airtight plastic bag.
Shoe polish stained shortbread generally has a mild leathery aftertaste.
The die-hard pot
Now I know you won’t admit it, but you have one of these as well.
I am certain that most people have one.
The one pot that rules them all.
I am talking about the pot you inherited that dates back to 1864.
It belongs in a museum.
But no museum wants it because it still contains biological contaminants from the dark ages.
And so many times you committed yourself to getting rid of this thing just to be reminded how special the pot was to the original owner.
How it was bought with the first piece of gold they found right after the invention of the wheel.
Now that piece of health hazard is sitting in you cupboard, never to be used again and only taking up space that could rather be used for one of those fancy Instant Pot Duo Mini 7-in-1 Electric Pressure Cookers.
So, instead of moping about being an adult manipulated into keeping something purely because it has sentimental value to someone else, use it for something productive.
Like to hide your cookies!
By now most of the individuals under investigation for mysterious cookie disappearances wil know about this pot.
And its history.
And its connections to all things dangerous.
So, they will naturally stay away from it.
Yes, you were clever enough to just line the pot with hazchem grade plastic and voila, the perfect hiding place for some rare and extinct species of shortbread!
So there you go, some suggestions on where to hide those discs of goodness of yours.
These are just some suggestions coming from someone that has experience in losing his beloved baked treats to cookie crooks.